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Gone Shopping...

Now, given that this is the season of mass mindless consumerism, you might think that this will be about shopping for holiday gifts and the trials and tribulations of those experiences. Well you'd be wrong then wouldn't you? Christmas shopping is only peripherally involved as a side note. Namely: People are already crazy from shopping so why make it worse? (Besides, I haven't actually done any holiday shopping. It is on my list though.)

My local Pathmark Supermarket takes it upon itself every few months to completely rearrange the products on its shelves and move them around according to the instructions the manager gives. I have to assume that he gets these instructions beamed directly into his brain from outer space. First of all, why bother performing this retail oriented chinese fire drill in the first place. I know I know, it's to keep us mindless sheep shoppers in the store longer, making us look harder for what we want, in the hopes that we will spot something "new and exciting" we hadn't thought to buy before and voila, we'll spend more money. Well I have news Space Cadet Man, we are onto you. It doesn't make us spend more money, it just pisses us off in the extreme and makes us want to gather together as one and drag you out into the parking lot and beat you to death with a large can of Hormel Bar-b-q flavored beans, which is on special this week. The only reason that this hasn't happened yet is because none of us can *find* the damn beans in the first place. And I don't mean just the shoppers. I had to beg for directions to where they might have hidden the rice last week and it took three guys, two of them in suits and one who couldn't speak english to help me. You only get one guess as to which guy finally located it. He finally got me there by a series of mime-like hand gestures. After this amazing journey of discovery, they didn't have the rice I wanted anyway. If only I could have found those beans.

It used to be that if you wanted a nice ham and cheese sandwich, you could diddy bop down to the store, snake your way over to that last little aisle and purchase *in one place* ham, your cheese of preference, and even bread. There you had it, your lunch. If you wanted a condiment such as a little Grey Poupon, you'd make a quick pit stop two aisles down on your way out to the express lanes and you would then be able to go home and eat. Or do strange things in your car with processed foods, but the point is...it was quick. Now, forget it. It's a complicated process where you first have to locate the lunch meat (moved one aisle to the right, where Kosher used to be) find your cheese of choice (and give up, settle for Kraft singles) and then find the bread, which they have hidden in a murky middle aisle without lighting. (I swear there were little eyes blinking at me from amidst the Wonder.) If you want a little smear of mustard or maybe even mayonnaise, find the little guy who can't speak english. He, like a dedicated MT. Everest sherpa guide, will get you there and back. Ignore the guys in the suits, as far as we know, they serve no actual purpose.

Now, a small word about my fellow hostages to misfortune. In general, most of the other people you have to deal with at the supermarket are easily ignored. They, like you, just want to do their thing with a minimum of fuss and bother and get the hell out of the store without severe emotional scarring (usually inflicted by the friendly "sample ladies"). Then there's the ones who couldn't find a clue with the aforementioned sherpa guide. Let's say they need a jar of herring. The herring is located on the left side of the aisle, there's a handtruck of fresh herring waiting to be put on the shelves in the middle of the aisle and "free space" on the right side of the aisle. So what does Mrs. Suburban Clueless do? Parks her cart in the free space, and stands in mindless herring contemplation on the left side of the aisle, thereby effectively blocking the entire place while she decides if she wants the creamy style like last time or if her husband, Mr. Couch Potato in His Underwear Clueless wouldn't mind trying the vinegar style but knowing him since he wouldn't even be bothered to have a conversation with her if he happened to notice her head had burst into flames and my mother was right I shouldn't have married him in the first place look Swanson has brought out a nice new shape in the chicken patties and wouldn't that go nice with the herring until ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I run to the kitchen implements aisle, grab an ice cream scooper and do horrible amounts of damage, film at 11. My point here is have just a little consideration for your fellow shoppers, keep your cart in front of you at all times, don't eat herring and if you see me with an ice cream scooper, run for your lives.

I would get into how people can't seem to negotiate parking spaces, but I think I'm worked up enough now...don't you?

See ya next week...

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Copyright 2002 Adjustable Wench AKA Lisa Salim

This is mine. It belongs to me.
Steal my ideas, thoughts or images and I shall unleash a plague upon your house. I know people ya know.
Really mean people.
With guns.